In I Samuel chapter one is the story of a woman named Hannah. Her husband, Elkanah had two wives: Hannah and Penninnah. Penninnah was able to bear children, but Hannah was not. Back in this time period, that was considered a disgrace. It didn’t matter to her husband. Elkanah loved Hannah so much, he gave her a double portion at meal times because he knew she felt inferior as a wife. Peninnah was a hope drainer. She took every opportunity to say, “Nanny, nanny, boo, boo!” to her rival. Hannah was not impervious to these awful words. She wept and even refused to eat. It is rough when you feel like you have been praying for something forever and it seems like no one, even God, understands the depths of your despair. Elkanah could not figure it out. He was obviously concerned and told her that she meant more to him, then if she gave him ten sons, but Hannah did not care. In verse ten, we see a little bit more insight into this woman. She went with her husband to the synagogue to pray.
"In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord."
The definition of bitterness is: Having or being a taste that is sharp acrid, and unpleasant, causing a sharply unpleasant, painful, or stinging sensation, marked by resentment or cynicism.
I don’t think her entire prayer was this beautifully worded plea. We aren’t told her entire prayer. It is very interesting to me that none of the bitter words she uttered to God are printed in scripture. The only words we have are the vow she made to God.
I Samuel 1:11 (NIV): And she made a vow, saying, "O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head."
She continued to pray. Eli, the priest observed Hannah and assumed she was drunk! Rather then being offended she shares her story and prayer to the Lord. Eli must have seen what God saw in Hannah’s vow.
In verse 17, Eli answered, "Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him."
Hannah immediately dried her tears and went to eat something. She replaced her bitterness with hope. For years, she was bitter. She was angry. She pouted. She pleaded. She prayed. She wept. Hannah was so consumed with bitterness, she could only see the thing that was wrong with her. She was oblivious to anything positive, such as her husband loving her unconditionally. It was not until she made the vow with God, trusting him no matter what, that she received the answer she desperately wanted: YES!
The story ends marvelously with Hannah conceiving a beautiful baby that she named Samuel whose name means: "Because I asked the LORD for him."
In the end, Hannah’s biggest trial was transformed into a beautiful testimony of God giving her the desire of her heart.
I have a girlfriend that was unable to have children. I have seen her cry over it. It is a deep wound in her life. But rather then pout, or being angry, she works in the children’s ministry volunteering her time. For Christmas, she hands out free babysitting to her friends, and takes the kids to Chuck E. Cheese. She buys different children Christmas presents every year. She attends baby showers, and talks about how much fun she had shopping for a baby. Because of her love for children, family after family has been blessed by her generosity. Rather then having one or two kids, she has hundreds in her arms.
When you find bitterness eating away at your unfulfilled dreams, pray your way through the bitterness. God isn’t in shock to find out that your bitter. He is a mind reader. So, pray! Tell him all about it. Bitterness drains any hope out of the situation. Trust God to answer the way he sees best. Purge your bitterness through prayer, and then lift your head high. God has heard you!
Psalm 37:4 (NIV) declares: Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Copyright 2007 Michelle Rocker
8/25/10
Rest Stop
My car headed down the road of life.
Today it was bumpy—full of strife.
I wasn’t sure if I should scream, pitch a fit and cry,
Laugh hysterically, or drive off the cliff and die.
I realize what people would think and say.
Well, I can’t help it! Sometimes I feel that way.
Okay, I really needed help, where should I stop?
Stop? No! Too many crumbs in the kitchen to mop.
I hurried faster and pushed the pedal down.
The quicker, the better getting through this town.
Do you know which town I mean?
The one where no room is clean.
No matter how many times you do the dishes
They multiply like the five loaves and two fishes.
The baby’s finally asleep and my brain’s fried.
I slammed the brakes and pulled over to the side.
But the rest stop is too short lived
My toddler is blowing his lid.
So, I push the pedal back down
Two more years in this toddler’s town
Then my husband comes home and asks for his dinner..
Hmmm… pizza delivery sounds like a winner.
He says, “There’s no money, you have to cook.”
I glare at him, and hand him the cookbook.
My cruise control seems broken so I have to drive
That cliff sounds inviting and where I want to dive
“God, are you listening? I’m so very tired.
This job—well—I don’t want it, can I be fired?
I need your strength to get through this day.
Just a little help, what do you say?
I saw a road sign ahead,
“Leave your cares behind,” it said.
I turned and saw the road led into the sky
The heavens opened and I began to cry
This was the rest stop I really needed
“Let me stay here!” I desperately pleaded.
“Sure, my child. Rest your head for awhile.
Today you’ve traveled so many miles.”
I rested and knew this was the place to be.
Tomorrow I would stop here first, here I’d flee.
Something happens when in Jesus you rest.
It is only then that you drive your best.
Copyright 2004 Michelle Rocker
Today it was bumpy—full of strife.
I wasn’t sure if I should scream, pitch a fit and cry,
Laugh hysterically, or drive off the cliff and die.
I realize what people would think and say.
Well, I can’t help it! Sometimes I feel that way.
Okay, I really needed help, where should I stop?
Stop? No! Too many crumbs in the kitchen to mop.
I hurried faster and pushed the pedal down.
The quicker, the better getting through this town.
Do you know which town I mean?
The one where no room is clean.
No matter how many times you do the dishes
They multiply like the five loaves and two fishes.
The baby’s finally asleep and my brain’s fried.
I slammed the brakes and pulled over to the side.
But the rest stop is too short lived
My toddler is blowing his lid.
So, I push the pedal back down
Two more years in this toddler’s town
Then my husband comes home and asks for his dinner..
Hmmm… pizza delivery sounds like a winner.
He says, “There’s no money, you have to cook.”
I glare at him, and hand him the cookbook.
My cruise control seems broken so I have to drive
That cliff sounds inviting and where I want to dive
“God, are you listening? I’m so very tired.
This job—well—I don’t want it, can I be fired?
I need your strength to get through this day.
Just a little help, what do you say?
I saw a road sign ahead,
“Leave your cares behind,” it said.
I turned and saw the road led into the sky
The heavens opened and I began to cry
This was the rest stop I really needed
“Let me stay here!” I desperately pleaded.
“Sure, my child. Rest your head for awhile.
Today you’ve traveled so many miles.”
I rested and knew this was the place to be.
Tomorrow I would stop here first, here I’d flee.
Something happens when in Jesus you rest.
It is only then that you drive your best.
Copyright 2004 Michelle Rocker
8/23/10
God's Delight
My little rowboat careened out of control. The sea tossed me as if I were a mere feather that was tickling its nostril. I clung to each side of the boat, my knuckles white. Demons mocked me. Their beady eyes glowed in the darkness, and their taunting laughter collided with the thunder.
I was so gullible. I thought I knew what was best. Would I ever learn? How many chances did I have left? I lifted my face into the stinging rain. Was He up there? Did He care anymore?
The demons laughter grew louder. I covered my ears to shut them out. I slumped to the bottom of my little boat, and waited for my watery grave to claim me. The next wave hurled me to the top of its crest. It threw me into its depths; my little boat trembled, shook, and broke apart. I grabbed a broken plank and hung on for what was to be the last seconds of my life.
“God, are You there? Hey, it’s me. I messed up again. I’ve made a real mess of things this time. Do you see me? Don’t you see that I can’t win? This storm is too big for me. It’s my own fault, I know. I threw the compass overboard, oh and the map too. I didn’t think I needed it. Worse, I didn’t think I needed You. Can I still be Your child? Is it too late for me? DO YOU HEAR ME? I need you!”
One by one the demons crossed in front of my site. Their eyes played images of my demise. Hurling insults, degrading words – all correct – all deserved, right?
Unexpectedly, a booming crash of thunder blazed from the sky. The clouds parted and a streak of light bolted from the center. A beautiful luminosity, surrounded by angels descended. Clamped around the glimmering lightning bolt was a cloak of darkness that carried a storm far more severe then the one I was experiencing. How could something be so beautiful and terrifying all at the same time?
As the vision neared me, I realized the light was not a lightening bolt, but God himself coming down. He untied his cloak of darkness and flicked it toward the surging sea of ghouls. Hailstones, lightening, and wind-driven rain descended toward us all. I looped my arms around the board and covered my head as if to shield off the menacing insult. I heard the demon’s screaming in pain around me. Could I survive God’s wrath? I peaked and encountered all of God’s fury unleashed, but not an ounce of it was near me.
Astonished I watched arrows emanate from all around Him. A blast of fire discharged from his mouth, “You shall not harm her. This is my child, and mine alone.”
He was so angry, the controlled anger that could emit fear into the bravest of souls. But none of it was directed at me. It was at all of my enemies. As His arms descended, the water parted into walls on all sides. His glare turned toward me, but when His eyes burned into my soul, I only saw tenderness, love, and forgiveness. Holding out His everlasting arms, He lifted me from the jowls of the demonic sea.
I did not question where He was taking me. Questioning His will is what got me into my mess in the first place. He took me to a place I did not recognize. I thought I would feel comfortable, but then I realized I was missing the point. This is where He wanted me, the center of His will. No harm could befall me. He was in control. He truly cared and wanted the best for me.
I could not resist asking Him the one question burning on my mind. “Why? I have let You down so many times, and I told You I didn’t need you? Why did you rescue me again?”
Gazing up into His fathomless peace, He whispered to my heart, “Because, I delight in You.”
~Psalm 18:4-19 NIV: "The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears. The earth trembled and quaked, and the foundations of the mountains shook; they trembled because he was angry. Smoke rose from his nostrils; consuming fire came from his mouth, burning coals blazed out of it. He parted the heavens and came down; dark clouds were under his feet. He mounted the cherubim and flew; he soared on the wings of the wind. He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him- the dark rain clouds of the sky. Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced, with hailstones and bolts of lightning. The Lord thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded. He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies, great bolts of lightning and routed them. The valleys of the sea were exposed and the foundations of the earth laid bare at your rebuke, O Lord, at the blast of breath from your nostrils. He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me."
Copyright 2006 Michelle Rocker
I was so gullible. I thought I knew what was best. Would I ever learn? How many chances did I have left? I lifted my face into the stinging rain. Was He up there? Did He care anymore?
The demons laughter grew louder. I covered my ears to shut them out. I slumped to the bottom of my little boat, and waited for my watery grave to claim me. The next wave hurled me to the top of its crest. It threw me into its depths; my little boat trembled, shook, and broke apart. I grabbed a broken plank and hung on for what was to be the last seconds of my life.
“God, are You there? Hey, it’s me. I messed up again. I’ve made a real mess of things this time. Do you see me? Don’t you see that I can’t win? This storm is too big for me. It’s my own fault, I know. I threw the compass overboard, oh and the map too. I didn’t think I needed it. Worse, I didn’t think I needed You. Can I still be Your child? Is it too late for me? DO YOU HEAR ME? I need you!”
One by one the demons crossed in front of my site. Their eyes played images of my demise. Hurling insults, degrading words – all correct – all deserved, right?
Unexpectedly, a booming crash of thunder blazed from the sky. The clouds parted and a streak of light bolted from the center. A beautiful luminosity, surrounded by angels descended. Clamped around the glimmering lightning bolt was a cloak of darkness that carried a storm far more severe then the one I was experiencing. How could something be so beautiful and terrifying all at the same time?
As the vision neared me, I realized the light was not a lightening bolt, but God himself coming down. He untied his cloak of darkness and flicked it toward the surging sea of ghouls. Hailstones, lightening, and wind-driven rain descended toward us all. I looped my arms around the board and covered my head as if to shield off the menacing insult. I heard the demon’s screaming in pain around me. Could I survive God’s wrath? I peaked and encountered all of God’s fury unleashed, but not an ounce of it was near me.
Astonished I watched arrows emanate from all around Him. A blast of fire discharged from his mouth, “You shall not harm her. This is my child, and mine alone.”
He was so angry, the controlled anger that could emit fear into the bravest of souls. But none of it was directed at me. It was at all of my enemies. As His arms descended, the water parted into walls on all sides. His glare turned toward me, but when His eyes burned into my soul, I only saw tenderness, love, and forgiveness. Holding out His everlasting arms, He lifted me from the jowls of the demonic sea.
I did not question where He was taking me. Questioning His will is what got me into my mess in the first place. He took me to a place I did not recognize. I thought I would feel comfortable, but then I realized I was missing the point. This is where He wanted me, the center of His will. No harm could befall me. He was in control. He truly cared and wanted the best for me.
I could not resist asking Him the one question burning on my mind. “Why? I have let You down so many times, and I told You I didn’t need you? Why did you rescue me again?”
Gazing up into His fathomless peace, He whispered to my heart, “Because, I delight in You.”
~Psalm 18:4-19 NIV: "The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears. The earth trembled and quaked, and the foundations of the mountains shook; they trembled because he was angry. Smoke rose from his nostrils; consuming fire came from his mouth, burning coals blazed out of it. He parted the heavens and came down; dark clouds were under his feet. He mounted the cherubim and flew; he soared on the wings of the wind. He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him- the dark rain clouds of the sky. Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced, with hailstones and bolts of lightning. The Lord thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded. He shot his arrows and scattered the enemies, great bolts of lightning and routed them. The valleys of the sea were exposed and the foundations of the earth laid bare at your rebuke, O Lord, at the blast of breath from your nostrils. He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me."
Copyright 2006 Michelle Rocker
8/19/10
Showoff
As a mother of four children, I have seen just a small portion of how God has made each one of us unique. As we are told, he knows the number of hairs on our head. He is a proud Papa to all of us. It is hard to imagine that He cares more about my children then I do, but He does, and apparently He knew I needed to understand that.
My second son just started middle school, the hardest time of a child’s life, in my opinion. I knew that my Nolan was going to be different. He is very emotional (like his mother). He has such a tender heart and struggles with anxiety. Add puberty, and I was nervous wreck about his first day. I planned a meeting in advance with his guidance counselor to alleviate a lot of his fears and concerns. The meeting went well. Both Nolan and I were feeling so much better. I was so proud of him entering the bus with his head held high for the first day of school.
When I picked him up from the bus stop, it only took two seconds to see a multitude of feelings and emotions on his sweet face – none of which comforted my mamma’s heart. I gripped the steering wheel, took a deep breath and asked.
On his FIRST day, in his SECOND class of the day, a boy sitting behind him wacked him across the neck for no apparent reason. He, of course, did not tell the teacher. My blood started to boil when he added that he had just been punched on the bus. Turns out a fight broke out between two boys sitting next to him and one of them “accidentally” punched him. I found myself not knowing how to respond, considering that the guidance counselor and myself, had just told him three days earlier, what a great school this was, and that he had no worries. I “calmly” asked him to tell the teacher and bus driver if this occurred again. My calm façade ended there. I blasted my infuriation on my Facebook status, but had the grace enough to ask for prayer as an after thought.
The next morning, he begged not to go on the bus, and I caved. I figured just dealing with a class bully would be enough for the day. I agreed to pick him up also. Dread covered every part of his face and posture. Once again, I could only come up with a lame comment about telling the teacher, and dropped him off feeling like an incompetent mother.
All day, I worried, and my stomach hurt. (Did I mention I’m like my son?) My last minute thought for prayer the previous day on Facebook forgotten, I worked and counted the hours till I picked him up.
I met a completely different Nolan as I pulled in to pick him up. He bounced in the car announcing that he loved all of his teachers. Not choosing to volunteer any more information. I waited, but couldn’t stand it. I had to ask.
As an after thought he nonchalantly answered, “Oh, yeah. He got moved. I’m sitting next to my best friend.”
As he happily chattered, I thought about my Facebook that needed a serious update. You see, all day long I kept getting comments of all the people praying for my son. I got home and changed my status knowing that God, the master storyteller, had just sold a best seller about how special we are to him. He could have just moved the bully, but he had gone one step further by handing Nolan a best friend.
I try to be the best parent I can, but as my kids grow, I’m having to learn that lesson, that they are God’s children that he gave to me, not the other way around. He designed and knows Nolan more then I ever could. I can’t be with Nolan all the time, but God walks beside him all day long. My prayers that night were uttered with a final name calling to Nolan’s heavenly Father: “Show-off.”
*Copyright 2009 Michelle Rocker
My second son just started middle school, the hardest time of a child’s life, in my opinion. I knew that my Nolan was going to be different. He is very emotional (like his mother). He has such a tender heart and struggles with anxiety. Add puberty, and I was nervous wreck about his first day. I planned a meeting in advance with his guidance counselor to alleviate a lot of his fears and concerns. The meeting went well. Both Nolan and I were feeling so much better. I was so proud of him entering the bus with his head held high for the first day of school.
When I picked him up from the bus stop, it only took two seconds to see a multitude of feelings and emotions on his sweet face – none of which comforted my mamma’s heart. I gripped the steering wheel, took a deep breath and asked.
On his FIRST day, in his SECOND class of the day, a boy sitting behind him wacked him across the neck for no apparent reason. He, of course, did not tell the teacher. My blood started to boil when he added that he had just been punched on the bus. Turns out a fight broke out between two boys sitting next to him and one of them “accidentally” punched him. I found myself not knowing how to respond, considering that the guidance counselor and myself, had just told him three days earlier, what a great school this was, and that he had no worries. I “calmly” asked him to tell the teacher and bus driver if this occurred again. My calm façade ended there. I blasted my infuriation on my Facebook status, but had the grace enough to ask for prayer as an after thought.
The next morning, he begged not to go on the bus, and I caved. I figured just dealing with a class bully would be enough for the day. I agreed to pick him up also. Dread covered every part of his face and posture. Once again, I could only come up with a lame comment about telling the teacher, and dropped him off feeling like an incompetent mother.
All day, I worried, and my stomach hurt. (Did I mention I’m like my son?) My last minute thought for prayer the previous day on Facebook forgotten, I worked and counted the hours till I picked him up.
I met a completely different Nolan as I pulled in to pick him up. He bounced in the car announcing that he loved all of his teachers. Not choosing to volunteer any more information. I waited, but couldn’t stand it. I had to ask.
As an after thought he nonchalantly answered, “Oh, yeah. He got moved. I’m sitting next to my best friend.”
As he happily chattered, I thought about my Facebook that needed a serious update. You see, all day long I kept getting comments of all the people praying for my son. I got home and changed my status knowing that God, the master storyteller, had just sold a best seller about how special we are to him. He could have just moved the bully, but he had gone one step further by handing Nolan a best friend.
I try to be the best parent I can, but as my kids grow, I’m having to learn that lesson, that they are God’s children that he gave to me, not the other way around. He designed and knows Nolan more then I ever could. I can’t be with Nolan all the time, but God walks beside him all day long. My prayers that night were uttered with a final name calling to Nolan’s heavenly Father: “Show-off.”
*Copyright 2009 Michelle Rocker
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